(This guy. Because if you have no interest in what I have to say, I can at least show you something so cute that life will seem good again.)
Wow.
I am really bad at this “regular blogging” thing.
When I started this, my idea was to post weekly with some form of life lesson or nugget of wisdom or unique insight into life and love and growth and change.
I’ve realised lately that this just isn’t realistic. These epiphanies don’t happen once a week when you’re doing the same thing day in, day out. It’s kind of like the difference between climbing a cliff to jump off it, or jumping out of a plane. One of those methods is going to get you to the bottom faster than the others. In terms of growing as a person, I’m forced to take the slow route.
So what has 2015 been for me?
Well, true to my word, I’m still single, and I’m more OK with it than I’ve ever been before. I make my own choices, live by my own standards and have a really strong base of friends, in a way that I haven’t had previously. People who understand my anxiety and don’t assume I’m being a snob, or get my blunt and sometimes disgusting sense of humour. People who don’t get offended when I pass up a night out for a night in with my xbox. They’re really good people to have.
My brother got married this year, which was actually pretty awesome. There’s something a little strange about realising your younger sibling is a little bit better at adulting than you are, but thinking about it, him and I have always operated on different levels. He’s been satisfied with the simple pleasures that life can bring – a beautiful wife, gorgeous children, a home, a job to pay for his lifestyle that leaves him feeling accomplished – whereas I’ve always wanted what I can only describe as “more”, but can’t quite place my finger on what that is, exactly. I’m not saying either attitude is better or produces a life lived more effectively than the other. Simply that we’re just different. Honestly, I’m glad he’s nothing like me. Quietly, I think he is, too.
But anyway. So watching him get married was this odd moment where I looked at him and thought of him as having grown up for the first time, despite the fact he’s 24. I’ve always viewed him as my kid brother, and witnessing him making a lifetime commitment to something really choked me up in a way I can’t put into words. I am so proud of him and so, so happy for him. So yeah. There was that.
(I don’t have an elegant segue. Sorry.)
I find I’m setting my own goals that don’t factor anyone else in, because I can’t bank on a future I may not have with another person. I’m self aware enough to realise that my typically prickly demeanor and tendency toward fierce independence does not, in fact, bring the all the boys/girls to the yard. That said, it’s finally going to happen: I’m going to put some effort into dating when I get back from America.
What?
I know.
Seriously though.
This is really not because I feel lonely. It’s not because I need anyone. But maybe I might want someone to share this time with, and have adventures with, and make fun of and have make fun of me, and blow up in GTA. It might be nice, I guess. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not big deal. But still, I’ll give it a go.
What else…
Oh! Ok, so I actually ended up pulling my diet together. Quit my gym, too, in favour of exercises that cost me exactly zero dollars that I enjoy ten times as much. I’ve done a bit of hiking here and there (granted, Australian summers are set to make this fucking hard) and I’m just generally feeling better about life, I think. Still not at my goal weight, but you’ll hear more about that as I get closer, but I’m definitely happier and more confident than I’ve been in a long time. So, that’s a positive point.
My work performance has been picking up as well. They’re actually back to thinking I’m competent, which is pretty great. I’ve gotten better at knitting with only minor incident (I may or may not have stabbed myself with a knitting needle quite significantly), and I spend my lunch breaks reading now, which means I’ve effectively made time for a much loved hobby that fell by the wayside for a while. So I really feel like I’m pulling together pretty well. I feel more stable than I have in a long time. Positive. Hell, even my blood test results were on point last time I checked. Everything that’s usually wrong just wasn’t a thing. I mean, I can’t change the spherocytosis, but it just doesn’t seem to be a problem right now. And that’s smashing.
So, moving forward.
I decided a long time ago that the trip to America (that’s in 21 days!!!) was going to be a blank slate for me. I was going to come back and actively take steps to have the life I want to have, and be the person I want to be. This is including, but not limited to:
- Remodeling my bedroom
- Making over my wardrobe so I can pretend to be an adult
- A social media overhaul
- The aforementioned dating “thing”
- Study
- Study
- More study
- A couple of other things that I’ve been really fucking afraid of doing until now.
I’ve made these promises to myself before, I know. Scrolling back through my blog, I have an awareness of the fact that, on occasion, I have a tendency to be all talk. Except I think before, it was the knowledge I needed to change that led me to make, and ultimately break, these promises to myself. I just didn’t want it enough. Now it’s just not an option. I’m happy. I know how to be happier, and I’m going to seek it out and make it happen. Plus, I’m already making progress, so that’s got to count for something.
I’m hoping to remember to post about my trip, but knowing me, you probably won’t hear from me again for a few months more. It seems I use this now to get the thoughts out that I don’t really discuss openly all that often, and if anyone happens to read it, they know where I’m at.
I understand now that I’ve never been in any real position to comment on what makes a better quality of life, or on the lessons we should be taking away from certain events. This is purely because I could never fully apply them to myself. So perhaps my initial intent for this blog is skewed. I think that’s ok. I’ll just need to consider for a while what this space is actually for.
I think I’ve covered anything, but I guess if I haven’t it might drive me to actually keep this updated and, you know, do another thing I said I would. Only time will tell. But I think this is it from me, for now.
Do what you love, love what you do,
Roxie.
ThatRoxieGirl 